“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
#Caturday
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …