If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You Might Also Like
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
What even happened today?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
that de-escalated quickly
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Received some very disappointing news today
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.