JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
*cough*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free