New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Gods work.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out