Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
So we got a goldfish…
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook