“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could