[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here