Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
A Short Story.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy