It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Easy enough.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”