I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
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Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
The glory of fall.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins