[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
lol
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly