There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
remember
only for emergencies
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon