I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people