Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
You Might Also Like
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.