Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
You Might Also Like
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
That’s fair
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
opening twitter today
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.