friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?