The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.