waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I need this for my side hustle.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years