inventing words: clothing
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.