I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The legends speak of a third Duran…
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks