I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
i’m still crying at this
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Well, this explains it:
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.