I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
You Might Also Like
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Had an epiphany today.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”