Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
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i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this