I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
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Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow