Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Every haunted house movie:
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
United Steaks of America
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.