If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Ok but actually
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
screw you
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.