I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol