[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.