Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.