I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
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Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Strange
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.