*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.