Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.