Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup