It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
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Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.