Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH