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“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Breaking news:
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12