Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.