There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.