Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
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gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
can you read it!!??
maan!
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser