The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t