Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
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Google reviews are always so mixed..
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?