TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You Might Also Like
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Jail
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.