Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Effort made
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?