At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
✌️
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?