Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
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Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Autocarrot sucks!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Whisper out to librarians!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
this makes me so uncomfortable
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation