There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
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Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.