[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]