Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
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why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
britain’s three elite institutions
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed