Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️