Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
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What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.